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| How It All Began
I've talked about how it all began before but I'll do it again. Just for fun. Four of us sat around a table talking about girls and relationships. One of us (*cough cough* Chris) had recently screwed up a DTR with my sister in-law. So we went on to talk about how he should have DTR-ed at the peak of the friendship. Instead, he let the peak come and go, and then proceeded to DTR during the awkward downslope when you're sort of avoiding each other since things are weird. Awesome job my friend!
But God, in his gracious and sovereign plan, brought it all together nicely. Now they are happily engaged and soon to be married! Though Chris screwed up the first time around he did quite a good job repairing it all. Second time around things went well. He even DTR-ed on a major holiday, which is a big no-no, and had great results. It was destined to be good! And I can't think of a better person that I'd want my lovely sister in-law to marry. It also means we get to wrestle at all the family gatherings! Sweet!
The other two guys that gave that brilliant DTR advice ("just do it - who cares if you guys don't talk anymore") are also doing quite well. These men are the Quick Moving Ministry Men (Qmmms) that I wrote about in another post.
Scott has certainly lived up to this label. From what I hear, he's an awesome high school counselor serving with a bunch of other cool people (Steven, Angie, BigHead). Not only that, but he went out hunting for a fine young lady, threw her over his shoulder, and brought her home. Well, something like that -- but I think it involved a lot more talking, texting, and taking long walks and looking longingly into each other's eyes!
But then days later he got engaged! Talk about quick! Well ... many days, like weeks and months. So now they are getting married and shall have beautiful little children. I've decided they should have the first honeymoon baby! 
And the other of these two Qmmms is Alton. He is working on things so I don't want to say much. That and because of the large circumference of his arms I don't want to get pummeled into the ground. So as an act of self-preservation I'll say little. Oh, and I don't want to jeopardize his potential pastoral job opportunities. But if you're reading this and this man is interviewing for a job at your church, he's an awesome guy and I'd be privileged to sit under his pastoral leadership. Now if only he stop leaving his underwear on the towel rack!
And that my friends, is how this DTR Xanga started up. If things go just right the advice found here will be 4 for 4! 100% success rate! And NOW it can be all yours for a low low price of 2 eProps! Don't delay, limited time offer. While supplies last! Do it NOW!
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| Why Missionary Dating Is Good
For those who don't know what missionary dating is here is a quick breakdown. Christian single person goes out to meet non-Christian of opposite sex in order to 1) date, 2) evangelize, and 3) convert. So then you not only gain a boyfriend/girlfriend you also get to welcome a fellow believer into the family of God!
So why is missionary dating a good idea? It's NOT! It's a horrible idea and you should never ever think about it! Not only is it against scripture (do not be unequally yoked - yes, dating is different from marriage but you really should be dating to find a marriage partner) it's also incredibly disingenuous to non-Christians. Missionary dating doesn't just hurt the spiritual wellbeing of the Christian, it paints a distorted and unclear picture of Christ for people that don't understand our faith in Jesus (and it's really deceptive).
So don't do missionary dating.
Missions might be good for your love life.
Let me explain why. Once upon a time I went on a missions trip with Overseas Missions Fellowship formerly China Inland Mission started by Hudson Taylor. It's a great missions organization, but that's beside the point. So I meet this guy Bobby on this trip. He formerly went on a OMF trip, and also spent 1 year teaching English in China. Of course he's treated like a pop star in China since he's as white as can be. So this is 1 year later after his stint in China. He tells us that he went back to the school where he taught to say hi to the kids again. Obviously the kids have a new teacher, and what do you know? She's a cute Asian girl and she's heard ALL about Mr. Bobby from the students. So they hang out, they hit it off, they obviously have a lot in common (missions, teaching the same students in China for a year, Christ), and they end up dating. To make a long story short they end up getting married.
If that sounds confusing here is a handy dandy graphic that explains it all:
On that same trip, this other guy and girl hit it off on our team and now they are also married. One missions trip brought about at least 2 marriages. Who knows, there might have been more.
So, don't missionary date, and don't go on missions to look for a godly spouse, but you never know, God may bring the "right" one when you're absorbed doing good things.
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| Should I Marry That Future Doctor/Lawyer or Pastor/Missionary?
People always have this question. Many of my friends did or do. They're dating this guy/girl and they don't know if they should continue with the relationship. Their bf/gf plans to be a doctor and they're only applying to medical school right now. We're looking at another 7-8 years of being poor (relatively) and in debt.
Or say you're a girl and you meet this guy and he's pretty neat except that he wants to go to seminary and be a pastor/missionary. And then all of a sudden everyone and their mom is asking you if you're ok being a "pastor's wife" or want to be a missionary. People will start throwing out words like "calling" and asking questions like "do you feel called into ministry?" And you're like "what?!" "All I wanted is to date Billy!"
Well, I've seen it happen both ways. People date, get married and maybe the woman supports the man for 5+ years while he goes and gets his PhD/. Or I've seen it where they date, guy goes off to med school, girl sticks with him, and by the time he gets to year 4 or 5 of dating they break up. For whatever reason they thought it wise to date for that long. They probably should have gotten married but I'm guessing the guy didn't want to marry while he was flat broke and in debt. So it didn't happen.
So here are my guidelines for anyone dating someone that's going to be in school for a long time (PhD, MD, MBA, etc.) or doing something that will put you through the grinder (pastor, missionary, traveling circus acrobat, etc.):
1) Know the Timeline
Obviously you don't talk about this right away, but after you've been dating for a while and they've shared that they plan on moving to Dubai for this 6 year MBA program, you might want to ask where exactly do they see you fitting in to their plan. Will you marry and then go through school or will you wait till they finish before getting married?
2) Know Yourself
Can you do long distance relationships? Could you do 1 year of only weekly email messages and keep your enthusiasm and commitment up? Could you guard yourself from thrusting all your feelings and problems on random guy/girl that has a great listening ear? If you know you can't do a LDR then don't even try. Either get married, get engaged and move together, or break up. Can you handle being looked at funny since you're only a lowly landscape architect and she's earned a PhD and MD and is the go-to specialist in the field of lung cancer?
3) Know What You're Getting Yourself Into
Can you handle being a missionary in random place X living in a village with facilities that make China squat toilets look glamorous? Are you ok with people always bringing all their problems to you (or your mate) and expect you to drop everything and help them? Are you ok if they're in the CIA and they don't share anything about work with you? Can you handle going through residency, having your mate putting in 80 hours a week with other attractive bright people doing things you know nothing about?
4) Know the $$$ (or lack thereof)
Are you OK with having a small income or having to support your spouse for an extended period of time? Money is a big reason married couples fight. Especially if one spouse tends to be a spender and one a saver, or if one expects a certain standard of living. Can you be happy and together and poor? Hopefully you can.
5) Know Why They're Doing It
Do you agree that they'd make a great doctor? Should he become a pastor? Would you respect him and follow his leadership if he was? Does he have the confidence and character to become a lawyer and hold onto his values and integrity? Does your heart also long for the nations to come and know Jesus through overseas missionary work, and you'd be OK being the one to go?
If you know all five of those things, and you and your bf/gf are in agreement on all five of those things you're going to probably do pretty well. Don't worry if you don't feel "called to be a pastor's wife" since that's a stupid way to put it anyways. If your boyfriend stopped seminary and didn't want to be a pastor anymore you wouldn't break up and find another seminarian because you "feel called to be a pastor's wife." But do worry about whether you're a Christian, whether you're OK being under extra scrutiny as a wife/mother, whether you can support your husband to do this, and how your career/goals may fit into the life of the family.
This goes for any major career pursuit. And I think most of all is this: can you support them? Whether or not you think they'd be a good lawyer/doctor/pastor will dictate whether you become their greatest cheerleader and support, or if you'll be the one to kick them when they're down. If they value you more than this career pursuit, and you would love for them to succeed, then YES you should get married.
What do you think?
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| Show Her Your Cards
 Four ladies ... which to DTR with?
Let's get back to talking about DTRs! (polite applause) Very often people describe the DTR with some sort of card game (poker) analogy. The guy "shows his cards" to the girl and puts himself out there to be vulnerable. He could get rejected, ridiculed, or might luckily hear her reciprocate those loving feelings. It's sort of like saying "I'm not wearing a cup, kick me in the nuts as hard as you can!" Anything short of her reciprocating the feelings (not kicking you in the nuts) would cause you to double over and feel extreme pain, cause you to wonder if you'll ever have children, and sweat profusely. Depending on how hard she kicked you, you may or may not experience 1) crying 2) difficulty breathing or 3) inability to walk properly.
I think this is the basic way guys feel about the DTR. That's why so many guys are afraid of stepping up and having the DTR conversation. They wait much too long so the girl is wondering if you guys already had the conversation at some point and she just forgot or feel asleep. She thinks "we're holding hands, he's paying for meals, we hang out constantly, it would feel wrong to go on a date with random guy X, and I would be pissed if I saw him on a date with random girl Y." But yet this dummy lacks the testicular fortitude to DTR which would put to rest that big giant ball of crazy. Instead, he just goes on and on with the ambiguous stage (wearing a cup) since it's easier and safe.
So what should you do? Here's a suggestion for the ladies...
Never Let Him Feel Safe (until after he DTRs)
If the man hasn't thought seriously about dating (and marrying you), hasn't talked about you to his buddies, hasn't considered if he's ready for a serious relationship, and hasn't articulated his attraction, interest, and purpose with you, don't let him feel safe!
Either he's much too immature, content on dating with benefits for the next 5-10 years (again immature), unable to provide (lazy), or just plain dumb (dumb). Don't let him get comfortable with you (or with the idea of "you two") without him "showing his cards" and laying out how he's thought about all of the above. Granted he's not going to tell you "I've visualized you barefoot and pregnant, preparing dinner on our marble counter-top island in our 3 bedroom townhouse in an upscale suburb of Irvine" but hopefully he comes off as "I have a plan, I have a purpose, and I'm going to do what it takes to get it done."
So what's this "don't let him feel safe" mumbo jumbo? Frankly I don't really know. Girls always come up with the most nutty things to keep guys at bay. But here are my suggestions. Three things: don't let him have a monopoly on your time, body, or food.
Time - If he thinks he can hang out with you anytime, that you'll cancel appointments for him, or change plans because he calls then he'll expect it. But if you're busy doing stuff and not sitting by the phone you'll subtly convey that you have a life. And he'll get the clue that if he wants to be a part of it he needs to step up to the plate. You don't want to be the convenient person to hang out with, you want to be the special "I made a lot of effort for you" person that he wants to hang out with. Don't be the "everybody else canceled so wanna hang out" fall back but instead be the "I've been anxiously planning to ask you" date. Don't get carried away with this, but if he sees you happy, confident, possessing a life and friends, he'll definitely be like Dwayne Wade trying to get into Sir Charles top five.
Body - This is obvious, but I've seen enough people to know it's not that obvious. Don't let him hold your hand, hug you, kiss anything, smell your hair, or anything that would cause his skin cells to touch yours. Don't even let him play with your stuff animal! First off, he probably shouldn't play with stuff animals. Secondly, this is just a easy attempt at flirting. Thirdly, this guy has his grubby little paws on the thing you cling to at night, it's practically like letting him try on your over-sized flannel pajama set. Just don't do it. This way he continues to see you with a special intrigue and interest. If he's hugging you ("just as a brother" of course) all the time you devalue that particular physical expression of intimacy and he'll start to see you like a little sister (or convenient fall back). It's like having a Patrick the Pup stuffed dog. The first time you touch it you can't believe how ridiculously plush and soft he is. The second, third, and fourth times touching him were still nice, but no more awe. And now he's just sitting in your closest collecting dust and you'll pull him out every once in a while just to remark how soft he used to be. Ahhh too much stuffed animal talk. Moving on.
 Patrick won't break your heart.
Food - Men and food combine in a weird way. Guys love food. So don't feed them too much, don't let them taste your food when eating out, and don't try his food. Sharing food is just an intimate thing, and so by not sharing food you indicate you're not perfectly ok getting a little bit of his saliva on a piece of food that you plan on ingesting. This could make you come off as sort of crazy and weird, but more likely he'll want to know why you don't share food (tell him playfully "just not with you"), and it'll keep him wanting to try your entree (and keep thinking why you're so quirky - either that or he's finally figured out you're really insane).
If all that fails, then you might need to spring for that giant $200 Patrick because you're going to be an old maid forever!
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| Tom Brady Would Be A Lousy Husband
(And How You Should Give Awkward Guys A Chance)
 
Why, you ask, would this All American, tall, athletic, good looking football player make a lousy spouse?
No, it has nothing to do with 18-1, although that was, hands down, the best Superbowl in a very long time (sorry Pats fans). No, it has nothing to do with him dating and impregnating actress Bridget Moynahan, and now dating Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen (at least not for my argument). It has nothing to do with the rage he lashes out with against his very good offensive line (especially when facing Michael Strahan and Osi Umenyiora).
It's not because his looks of exasperation reveal his temper whenever a receiver drops a pass. It's not because he hates the "goody-two-shoes" label and says he drinks and searches for porn. And it's not because he plays for Bill "The Cheater" Belichick.
Why would this guy be a lousy husband? Wouldn't he take you out on a fabulous date, buy you flowers, say all the right things, look deep into your eyes as if he was zeroing in on a Wes Welker slant pattern, and tell you he loves you more than all four three Superbowl rings?
Then why? This article called Good Date: Bad Marriage Partner? which links to this article on LiveScience says that people that tend to have "good dates" and seem to say and do all the socially appropriate things tend to be "self-monitors."
Basically, they'll laugh at your pathetic jokes because it'll cut down on the awkwardness for them and for you. They'll pay for your meal since "it's the right thing to do" but they won't have any inclination of generosity. They'll get a gift but only because they don't want to ring the doorbell empty handed. At the end of the night they'll tell you they had a wonderful time regardless of whether they did or not. These people will laugh, give the polite smile, pull out your chair, and try their best to look at you while you talk. What you don't know is that the whole time you're talking they're thinking "should I nod again so she knows I'm listening?"
As you introduce him to your best friend he'll be focused on whether he gave a nice, firm, 2-pump handshake, whether he looked them in the eye, and he'll casually say, with the appropriate amount of subdued delightedness, how he's "so glad to meet you!" But he'll also have no idea what their name was, and of course, isn't really delighted or glad to meet your best friend.
This guy would be a great salesman to get you to buy a set of Encyclopedias, but a lousy husband because his "self monitoring" would cause him to be constantly changing in order to fit particular social settings. This leads to relational shallowness and dissatisfaction in a long term relationship.
No this isn't hard and fast, and we all know that social awkwardness isn't exactly a coveted trait. BUT, next time that bumbling guy/girl that's sort of attractive says something really stupid again, just chalk it up to honesty and see if you might find a winner deep inside ... way down deep.
Question: Some socially awkward people can have a certain likability about them (boyish charm, innocence, stuttering, incredibly intelligent, honest, nervousness) but what socially awkward traits would be an absolute deal breaker for you?
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